"Best Hamburger" my ass.

In yet another glaring display of the public's sheep mentality, just because a bunch of people jump on the bandwagon of someone who says something is "great" or "the best", does NOT make it so. Tonight we went to a place called "Five Guys" burgers and I walked away extremely disappointed.

I had heard great comments from several people about how wonderful the hamburgers are at Five Guys. I even read a review (or two) that Five Guys was voted "Best Hamburger" in North Carolina. Needless to say, hopes were high.

In all fairness, I feel obligated at this point to share the start of my love-affair with a good quality hamburger. I like to compare burgers to a benchmark that was set for me years ago when I went to my first Fudruckers. I remember it like it was yesterday...1989, I walked into Fudruckers in West Palm Beach with my father, my Aunt Pearl, and my Uncle Dan. We go up to the counter and my uncle Dan promptly orders the "motherfucker" without so much as an apology (may he rest in peace), I order a burger exactly how I wanted it. Rare with mushrooms and nothing else. Always a sign of a great burger place. Being able to order it the temperature you want it. Means they use good quality meat. Did you know that? It's why you can't order a burger from McDonalds medium rare. They use barely-legal meat in their burgers. Cook 'em less than well done and you end up with lysteria or something else that I can't spell. I get my burger and it was amazing. Juicy, high quality meat without those little hard rubbery pieces floating around in it (you know what I am talking about..those little pieces that scream lousy meat pieces and fillers), fantastic hand mushrooms all seasoned to perfection and placed on a baked fresh bun that practically melted in your mouth.

So obviously with all the hype that preceded our visit today, at the very least I assumed that I could order the burger medium rare. We walk in and the first thing we see when we arrive at the counter is "We cook all our burgers to a juicy well-done". Another glaring example of saying something that just isn't true. It isn't actually possible to cook any piece of meat to "well-done" and still be "juicy". At that point I was ready to walk away. That sign screamed that their meat quality was lousy and I was too hungry to waste my money on something that I already knew was going to suck. But we stayed anyway. Perhaps I would be pleasantly surprised? We order our burgers and wait for the outcome.

Sure enough, this burger comes and I must say, the only thing that separated it from a hockey puck was the fact that it was nestled in a bun. One bite and I realized that McDonalds was actually better than this poor excuse for a hamburger. Little hard rubbery pieces scattered throughout the meat. Zero flavor. And, of course, zero juice. I was famished however and ate about 5 bites of the burger. Then I gave up the ghost. I left. Hungry.

I have not looked up the corporate or franchise history of Five Guys hamburgers but I cannot imagine these five guys would have become so monumentally successful cooking burgers like what I had tonight. Perhaps the nanny-state time we live in prevents them from serving anything that is cooked at a cooler temperature than well-done. Since no self-respecting meat-loving carnivore would ever cook their meat well-done, why would you waste high quality meat in a dish you were forced to cook well-done? At least that I what I hope happened here.

Either way, I am going on my own record to declare that I would never recommend getting a hamburger at Five Guys. Save your 5 bucks and get 5 burgers of the same lousy quality for the same price at McDonalds.