Happiness is a warm puppy...

Ok, so the title of this post is a blatant thievery from a Peanuts cartoon. So what? It sums up my evening perfectly. Now I realize that my puppy, Miss Macy Moo is HARDLY a puppy. She is an 88 pound 9 year old Greater Swiss Mountain/Rott mix. But we have a connection, her and I. We have a routine. We sit home in the evenings, I brew some tea, pop some popcorn and her and I watch some A&E or Discovery channel. We share the popcorn, she shares my lap and I believe the both of us are about as content as we can be. Happiness really is a warm puppy to share an evening with.

Unhappy

It is a rare thing to find a person who does what they love for a living. Or is it? How many people do you know who can honestly say that they love going to work every day? I happen to know quite a few people who absolutely love what they do. Totally jealous, by the way.

Then there are those like me who love getting paid, but loathe their job. I suppose I have no one to blame but myself. You can't do a job you didn't apply for, right? Now I know the economy is in the dirt, blah blah blah. This is not about the economy (Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, people.) This is about the feeling of dread that comes each Sunday. That feeling that if work was supposed to be enjoyable, they would call it a hobby and charge you to do it. That feeling that you try day after day to fight through to find the positive: "I work with great people". "The money more than pays the bills". "I am grateful to have a job at all". All of which apply to me. And none of which make the WORK any better. This hasn't always been the case during my years in the military. Just this particular job.

Perhaps someday there will be a job out there for a sushi taster or a chocolate eater or a racquetball learner that I could apply for. But until that time, I suppose I will just have to keep going and do the best job I know how while fighting the unhappy Sundays that always seem to keep coming.

At least there is happiness in knowing that when I retire from the military in 9 years, 10 months and 8 days from now, Eric and I will buy our own franchise and we will never have to work FOR anyone again.

Thoughts from the last decade...

There were many things about this last decade that stick out in our minds. The obvious one being 9/11. While I remember all the same things that the rest of you do, (where I was, what I was doing, etc.), the thought that sticks with me the most with regard to 9/11 is the fact that I am of the age where I do not remember a time when the World Trade Center towers weren't there (I was born in 1971 and the towers were completed in 1972), but the kids born that day and after will never know a time when the towers WERE there. The top of tower 2 was my favorite place on the planet and will not likely be replaced any time soon.

On the other side of 9/11 though was a momentous occasion, and that was the turn of the old century into the new. Not too many people get to experience a turn of centuries. I spent my New Year's Eve, 1999, at a garden party at the house of a friend of a friend who's name I can't even remember, on the intercoastal of Miami complete with ice sculptures, sushi boats and Saigon Kick (had a hit song or two in the 80's to include the rock ballad "Love Is On The Way"). I shared the stage with them for a song. One of life's cooler moments to be sure. It was also the decade when I bought my first house (4 more would follow), graduated from college (which I never thought I would ever do in a million years), got to wear the title of Assistant Vice President while at Bank Of America, started and dropped out of Law School, came back into the military, and adopted my first dog who, to this day, brings a joy into my life I never imagined possible.

It was also the decade I turned 30, which I thought was the coolest age ever. On the down side, it is the decade when I became obsessed with my weight, which is a side of me that I loathe. It is also the decade when I lost my uncle, who I loved dearly, and my father who meant more to me than just about anyone on the planet. Back to the upside, it was a decade where I became even more self-aware than I was before and truly became comfortable with who I was as a person. I am proud as hell of who I have become and the life that I have created for myself. While I am fairly good at being reflective, I am still guilty of that-which-is-forefront-in-my-life-takes-the-spotlight, so with that in mind, the greatest occurrence of the past decade didn't take place until it was almost over. I fell in love. Eric, this next decade is for you...

New 100 things about me

I was just reading over my "100 things about me" blogs and it was kind of funny. I am going to do the list again. Many of the items will be the same. But many of them have changed. I thought about simply editing the list I already did, but to be honest, I like to see the progression of me...

100. I am a fully grown adult female who is only 4' 9" tall.
99. I have a better work ethic than most.
98. I am very self aware
97. Although I am not married I am in a relationship that is serious enough for me to no longer consider myself "single"
96. I hate the term "boyfriend". Once a person reaches the age of 25 "boyfriend" just sounds stupid. "Other half" "Significant Other" anything at all is better than "boyfriend".
95. I hate the term "Cougar" almost as much as I hate the term "boyfriend".
94. I am very secure.
93. I don't like drinking anything carbonated.
92. I respect people who believe in God.
91. I do not believe in God.
90. I respect people who do not believe in God.
89. I have little patience for laziness.
88. I believe that people are the masters of their own destiny.
87. I am not the same person I was before my father died.
86. People who drive in the left lane going under the speed limit irk me to no end.
85. If I had enough money, I would live on my own private island with Eric and my dog.
84. I love my dog so much I wonder if it is normal.
83. I love convertibles.
82. I can't stand attention, even when it's positive.
81. I think people who "people watch" are rude. No one likes to be stared at.
80. I was childless by choice until mother nature made me childless for sure. Still no regrets.
79. I believe if more people were honest with themselves, fewer people would have children.
78. I believe that if there was a test that people had to take before being allowed to procreate, I would not pass it.
77. I used to be proud of what I do. Now I am not, and would give it up if it didn't pay the mortgage.
76. I love the taste of homemade whipped cream.
75. I am probably more greatful that there is an Outback where I live than makes sense to be.
74. I am a pure-bred youngest child (the youngest child of parents who were both the youngest in their sibling line).
73. I have a brother and a sister.
72. I have two nephews.
71. I wonder if loving naps on weekend afternoons is normal. Every weekend. Now that I have been properly diagnosed, my naps are not as numerous. But still enjoyable.
70. When my cell phone rings, it plays "Snoopy vs The Red Baron".
69. I love "Jack FM".
68. I wish we had "Jack FM" here in Goldsboro.
67. My favorite meal is filet mignon and lobster tails.
66. I used to sing the National Anthem at official military ceremonies on my base.
65. I don't think my voice is all that great, but I happen to sing that song decently.
64. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be Kurt Thomas. Didn't care that he was male.
63. I make one hell of a cheesecake.
62. Someday I will have a personal trainer and a personal chef and all my clothes will be custom made for me.
61. I love to look at the stars when there are no lights anywhere around.
60. Seeing a hot air balloon makes me giggle and say "look look look!!!"
59. Now that I have a DVR, I will answer my phone during a TV show. PAUSE!
58. I am a good leader because I am a great follower.
57. After not getting my first massage until 2006, I now get one about once every 3 months.
56. I prefer spending time alone more often than I like to spend time with others.
55. I have a resume with the sentence "I am really not a people person..." on it.
54. I run 4 days a week, and if I wasn't in the military, I wouldn't run. Ever.
53. I have been violently attacked by a vicious dog. To avoid that again is the only non-military exception to #54.
52. I love to read mindless drivel when I travel for business.
51. I wish I spoke another language fluently.
50. I am too lazy to learn another language fluently.
49. I have flown to NY on a whim because I had a craving for pizza.
48. I was over 30 the first time I cried during a movie.
47. My favorite dessert is cheesecake with an oreo cookie crust and chocolate sauce
46. I have never had a headache
45. I have never broken a bone
44. I have never had stitches
43. The movie Dirty Rotten Scoundrels makes me howl every time I watch it.
42. I have a garage and every time it rains when I am carrying my groceries into the house I am thankful that I work hard and am responsible enough with my paycheck to be able to afford a house with a garage.
41. Myself, and a male who shall remain nameless, proclaimed ourselves members of the “mile high club” because we…enjoyed each others company… on top of tower two of the World Trade Center.
40. One of the coolest moments in my life was the first time I heard music “in stereo” through the headset of a Walkman. I kept looking around from side to side saying “whoa…whoa!”
39. I thought “Iceman” was way hotter than “Maverick”
38. My sister in law Michelle is the most influential woman in my life.
37. I played racquetball for the first time about a month ago and I am now addicted.
36. I am in a relationship with a pilot. This breaks my two cardinal rules: no relationships and never date a pilot. He is the love of my life.
35. I thought I was the coolest person when I bought my own fax machine.
34. If I weighed 88 pounds I would STILL have a BMI of 20.
33. #34 haunts me every single day.
32. As successful as I have been academically I still fear failure.
31. I have two true phobia’s: water and spiders. Holy ick.
30. The last movie I saw in an actual movie theater was Titanic in 1997
29. My biggest accomplishment to date was getting my bachelor’s degree.
28. I hate that my options are so limited here in Goldsboro, that I am forced to shop at Walmart on the occasion that I can't find what I need at the small Target. I despise Walmart.
27. I can’t stand listening to actors who preach politics in public forums.
26. I am addicted to Starbucks hot chocolate. I am on my way there right now…
25. I have a tiny tattoo
24. I have a belly ring.
23. I have done my own plumbing and floor installation.
22. I know how to change my own oil, but I will always pay someone else to do it.
21. I will always mow my own lawn. It’s great exercise!!
20. I am a realist, and that is often confused with being a pessimist.
19. I loathe taking pills/medicine for anything.
18. If there was a magic weight loss pill, I could probably get over # 19.
17. I believe that if I chose not to go to work full time I, too, would be homeless.
16. I love the way the sunrise looks in Texas.
15. One of my favorite childhood memories was apple picking in upstate New York.
14. The best tap water I have ever tasted was at my Aunt Pearls house in White Plains.
13. When I am embarrassed I turn so red that people around me can’t help but point it out.
12. I don’t know anyone who has ever spent any time in jail.
11. I feel like I could benefit from Yoga, if I ever took the time to do it regularly.
10. My favorite number is 28
09. My favorite color is purple
08. Every time I have cherry flavored Kool-aid, I am transported right back to childhood.
07. I am the lone green-eyed member of an entirely brown-eyed family.
06. My brother and sister used to use #07 to attempt to convince me that I was adopted.
05. Getting older doesn't bother me in the least.
04. I wish I could have Nova and cream cheese on a bagel for breakfast every day.
03. I wish I could find a place here to have Nova and cream cheese on a bagel even once.
02. I have wished for aliens from outer space to come and take me away.
01. I would never ever want to be famous.

The Stillman Stubbornness Strikes Again

About 5 months ago, I had a minor surgical procedure done on my left eye. This past Thursday I had fundamentally the same procedure done to my right eye. No, neither of these were vision correction surgeries. I made that dumbass decision 5 years ago.

Eric drives me home from Fort Bragg after the procedure, and I am all smiles. Mostly due to the 1/4 percocet and half a Valium I got goin on. As the day goes on, I feel as though I am in a little more pain than I was the last time, but I chalk it up to being luckier the last time.

Friday morning, I go to my local base optometrist for my post op follow up. My eye is a little swollen, also a new development from last time, but only a little. We chalk it up to nothing and I go on my way. A mere 8 hours later and my eye was swollen almost shut. The pain is a constant dull ache and I can't seem to get away from it. I am taking 1/4 percocets every 4 hours. I would take a whole one if they didn't make me so sick. Besides, I always question my tolerance for pain. Wonder if, because I have never given birth, have I ever truly been tested? I know I have been in eye pain before, and when my eyelid erodes the epithelial layer of my cornea, that pain has physically knocked me out of my bed.

By 8 o'clock Friday night I am sitting on Eric's couch, hand cupped over my right eye, and I am literally rocking back and forth in pain, thinking to myself, damn...Tuesday better get here quickly because I don't know how long I can deal with this. Tuesday, you see, was when my next follow up appt was at Fort Bragg. The thought of doing anything over the weekend never even occurred to me. The Stillman Stubbornness.

About that time, my phone rings. It is my friend Andrea. She needs to borrow my air mattress and wants to come by and pick it up. No problem. Andrea gets to my house around 9pm. I put on a brave face and let her in. Andrea also happens to be an optometrist. She gets inside, looks at my face and says, "Oh wow. Look at your eye." Short story short, within 30 seconds she diagnoses me with a vision threatening, and if left untreated for even short periods of time, potentially life threatening problem. From my living room she is on the phone with the local pharmacy calling in a prescription for some pretty powerful antibiotics with the order of "you can't wait until tomorrow to start this. Go get them now and start them tonight."

Eric, who never left my side for moment, and I headed out to the pharmacy at 10 o'clock at night to pick up the drugs. It was a long night and painful night. The next 24 hours were scary. Wondering if I had waited too long. If I was too late starting the medicine. Thinking about what position I might be in if Andrea was just another friend borrowing an air mattress and not an optometrist.

I would love to tell you that I would have done it differently. That I would have simply given in to the pain and gone to the ER at some point. But I don't think I would have. The Stillman Stubbornness could very well have caused me to lose it all. Isn't that type of gene supposed to become less and less potent by generation??

And how do you thank someone for saving your eyesight despite your stubborness? Possibly even saving your life??

The bait and switch

While it may appear that I am a bitter person based on my last entry alone, I'm really not. I swear! Ask anyone who knows me. I am actually a realist with a bend towards optimism.

Now, my next gripe...

Twice this week I feel like I have been screwed. Teased and dropped. It started with TimeWarner Cable....

I get a statement telling me that my 'promotional rate' was about to expire and that I needed to call for deal or my current rate would increase. By almost $50 a month. WTF? First of all, I tell them when I call, I did NOT sign up for a 'promotional rate'. It was the cost of the service. Nowhere in the paperwork did it say that this was a promotional rate. My argument was lost on this idiot I was speaking too. I finally said it wasn't worth it and they can kiss it. She says she will transfer me to the 'retention' department. Hoping to get a better deal, I stayed on the line. Suffice it to say that the deal was better, but not good. Even so, I am pretty much between a rock and a hard place because I don't have any other options in this area to get a package of the things I want. If I drop the service, I have to go with either Direct TV or Dish for television service, ATT for internet and I can't get into ATT without getting phone service that I don't need as well. This is a small town. They know this. I am screwed. I hate feeling like I have been played. Nothing I can do about it. Bastards.

The very next day, I was looking at my mortgage statement and noticed that there was a payment if $1350.00 from my escrow account made to my insurance company for my homeowners insurance policy. My annual premium is only $430 so naturally I freaked out. My escrow balance now shows a balance of negative $267. WTF? So after an hour and a half on the back and forth with the mortgage and insurance company (happens to be the same company for me) the problem was discovered...and it ain't good. Turns out that my servicing fire department was listed incorrectly and the change caused the premium to TRIPLE. So I said there has to be something I can do about it (because my mortgage payment is going to go up $150 a month with this new rate) and they said I could call the fire marshall and get the scoop from him as far as ratings for insurance go. So call the fire marshall I did. He said that he has gotten a lot of calls this week because of the increase in peoples insurance policies but unfortunately the change was correct. He said that the rating may go back down 45 days from now and to call him back then to find out. Great. I just love making little notes for myself to call people in 45 days. GGGGRRR!

Dusting off the soapbox...

I am fed up. Pissed. Angry.

I read a story on MSNBC (and no, this is not going to be a rant on the quality of MSNBC news stories) about a military hospital in Afghanistan showing a spike in patients. No fucking kidding. Fact is, we are pulling out of Iraq, but being in Afghanistan is and has been a far worse and riskier place to the lives of U.S. troops. The only reason why we didn’t see more casualties in Afghanistan than we have in Iraq is because there have been many more US troops in Iraq. Statistically there are just as many, if not more, troops killed in Afghanistan than there are in Iraq. It’s a war. Troops die. That is what happens. That isn’t even what is pissing me off.
The article was about some soldiers who were just injured and or killed in a roadside bomb that blew up their humvee. It ended with the following: "In the intensive care ward nearby, Vandergrift lay beside the one other soldier in his Humvee who survived. The soldier may be paralyzed. Holding a guitar, Vandergrift strummed a song for his friend: "The Star Spangled Banner".

Love the fact that one soldier was playing a song for his injured friend and fellow soldier. Love the camaraderie that US troops have with one another when they are fighting together. It’s all kittens and rainbows. What bothers me beyond reason is the choice of song. A song choice that says to me that the troops actually believe they are over there fighting for the freedom of America.

While I believe that as a member of the military we are paid to do a job that sometimes requires us to sacrifice our very lives in the name of OUR freedom, we need to call this what it is. We aren’t over there fighting for the rights of Americans. We are over there fighting for the Afghani’s. It has nothing to do with the freedom of our country. U.S. troops are being blown up by a bunch of insurgents and terrorists. And they aren't dying for their country. I remember September 11th just as well as everyone else, and I realize that our borders are not immune to the horrors that can be inflicted by extremists. Even so, last time I checked I still have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I still have my freedom of/from religion. Still have my freedom of speech. Afghanistan isn’t a threat to any of it. I will continue to have that freedom. The risk of me dying from a terrorist action within my own country is far less than the risk I face of being killed in a drive by shooting from a US citizen. No one lives risk-free lives, here or in any other part of the world. But that doesn’t take away my freedom as an American. And getting the hell outta dodge wouldn’t take that freedom away either.