I'm fat. I say it a lot. Just last week I was mistaken for pregnant. That was like taking a bullet.
I hate that I'm fat. It is all encompassing in my life. I think about my weight constantly. All day. First thought when I get up. Last thoughts before I go to sleep.
But I am the master of my own destiny. I don't believe it's going to resolve on it's own. I don't just bitch and sit. I work at it. I'm in decent shape, I think. I do well enough on the Air Force's PT test to score an "Excellent". Can't do that unless you work out regularly. Well, I can't.
Having just moved to a new city, the place where we live has a great area to run. By default, it stepped up my workout. So for a full 4 weeks now, I have been jogging 5-6 days a week. On the weekends I have been doing it twice a day. I even added a 40 minute yoga session every night before I go to sleep. These jogs aren't casual strolls through the streets. I work out to the point of nausea every time. My heart rate stays up the entire workout. I'm still sweating for 20 minutes after I'm done. I hate every minute of it, but I love how I feel when its over.
To add to my efforts to loose weight I am meticulous about my caloric intake. I use myfittnesspal.com and track everything I eat. According to the calculations of the nutritionist at my last base, I need to keep my caloric intake at 1100-1300 calories a day to maintain my weight (high end) or loose (low end). I never ate poorly, either. I don't drink any alcohol, don't eat fried foods, fast foods, candy bars, chips, nothing carbonated (soda), etc. My calorie intake is consistently between 900-1200 calories a day. You see, I'm a creature of habit. After 30-plus years of being thin, I didn't just suddenly wake up and become a lazy fucking glutton. People who know my medical history may say, "Ilisa, your thyroid is completely out of whack, Hashimoto's is the problem." Fuck the thyroid. It's bullshit. A huge percentage of the people out there have thyroid issues. So what? I blame the thyroid for 5-8 pounds of it. The other 10 can't be the thyroid. It's got to be my fault somehow.
I have been so proud of myself since moving here. This new run with its serious uphills (serious for me), and the addition of yoga, and an even BETTER selection of foods to eat had to have been the key, right? THIS was what I needed! Well so much for that. I've been at this for weeks and haven't lost a single ounce. NOT ONE OUNCE. They say that when you first start working out, you loose more weight in the first couple weeks than you do the rest of the time. Well, since I lost zero pounds the first couple of weeks, where do I go from here? Don't concentrate on the scale you say? I never did. But my clothes scream that I haven't gained any muscle or toned down. Nothing fits. I donated my "skinny" clothes over a year ago. Well, just last month I had to give away my "fat" clothes and now I have to go buy fatter clothes.
Why do I even bother? Why am I killing myself? Sure, my cardio is pretty good. My resting heart rate is about 60-62. Doesn't make my jeans fit any better. I have awesome blood pressure. Doesn't keep anyone from thinking I'm preggo. I don't recognize myself when I walk past a mirror and when I do and realize that the fat chick is actually me, I want to cry.
I have a good job, a great home, and a husband who I adore and who adores me. But this isn't about that. This is about me. I despise everything about my fat, disgusting, body. And when you know how you once looked compared to how you look now, and then work so hard and get zero results, you just walk around in a constant state of WTF.
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This post has been brought to you by Ilisa. A woman who just needed to vent.
I hate that I'm fat. It is all encompassing in my life. I think about my weight constantly. All day. First thought when I get up. Last thoughts before I go to sleep.
But I am the master of my own destiny. I don't believe it's going to resolve on it's own. I don't just bitch and sit. I work at it. I'm in decent shape, I think. I do well enough on the Air Force's PT test to score an "Excellent". Can't do that unless you work out regularly. Well, I can't.
Having just moved to a new city, the place where we live has a great area to run. By default, it stepped up my workout. So for a full 4 weeks now, I have been jogging 5-6 days a week. On the weekends I have been doing it twice a day. I even added a 40 minute yoga session every night before I go to sleep. These jogs aren't casual strolls through the streets. I work out to the point of nausea every time. My heart rate stays up the entire workout. I'm still sweating for 20 minutes after I'm done. I hate every minute of it, but I love how I feel when its over.
To add to my efforts to loose weight I am meticulous about my caloric intake. I use myfittnesspal.com and track everything I eat. According to the calculations of the nutritionist at my last base, I need to keep my caloric intake at 1100-1300 calories a day to maintain my weight (high end) or loose (low end). I never ate poorly, either. I don't drink any alcohol, don't eat fried foods, fast foods, candy bars, chips, nothing carbonated (soda), etc. My calorie intake is consistently between 900-1200 calories a day. You see, I'm a creature of habit. After 30-plus years of being thin, I didn't just suddenly wake up and become a lazy fucking glutton. People who know my medical history may say, "Ilisa, your thyroid is completely out of whack, Hashimoto's is the problem." Fuck the thyroid. It's bullshit. A huge percentage of the people out there have thyroid issues. So what? I blame the thyroid for 5-8 pounds of it. The other 10 can't be the thyroid. It's got to be my fault somehow.
I have been so proud of myself since moving here. This new run with its serious uphills (serious for me), and the addition of yoga, and an even BETTER selection of foods to eat had to have been the key, right? THIS was what I needed! Well so much for that. I've been at this for weeks and haven't lost a single ounce. NOT ONE OUNCE. They say that when you first start working out, you loose more weight in the first couple weeks than you do the rest of the time. Well, since I lost zero pounds the first couple of weeks, where do I go from here? Don't concentrate on the scale you say? I never did. But my clothes scream that I haven't gained any muscle or toned down. Nothing fits. I donated my "skinny" clothes over a year ago. Well, just last month I had to give away my "fat" clothes and now I have to go buy fatter clothes.
Why do I even bother? Why am I killing myself? Sure, my cardio is pretty good. My resting heart rate is about 60-62. Doesn't make my jeans fit any better. I have awesome blood pressure. Doesn't keep anyone from thinking I'm preggo. I don't recognize myself when I walk past a mirror and when I do and realize that the fat chick is actually me, I want to cry.
I have a good job, a great home, and a husband who I adore and who adores me. But this isn't about that. This is about me. I despise everything about my fat, disgusting, body. And when you know how you once looked compared to how you look now, and then work so hard and get zero results, you just walk around in a constant state of WTF.
*************************************************************************
This post has been brought to you by Ilisa. A woman who just needed to vent.
2 comments:
You bother because it's a battle worth fighting. I'd recommend talking to a personal trainer who can also recommend better foods to fill that 1300 cal diet.
It's a math problem, not a weight problem. Your body doesn't ignore physics. It's an intake/output issue. Working out "a lot" isn't burning your 1300. Maybe working out better would help.
This comment brought to you by your fat brother who is telling himself this shit too.
*sigh*
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