I fell in love with Florida the very first time I went. It was February of 1978. Growing up in NY all I ever knew was that summer was warm and winter was cold. To have gotten off the train in Miami Beach (contrary to popular belief, there is no such place as “south beach”. That’s just a pet-name for Miami Beach that has evolved over the years) in the middle of February and have it be warm was all it took. I was almost 7 years old and it didn’t take much to make me happy. From that point on, it was my goal to live in Florida.
In 1989 when I was 17, my dream came true and I moved to Palm Beach County with my parents. Eventually I moved away for my job in the military. But I have always enjoyed going back. Flying into PBI always made me giggle like I was a kid. Seeing that coast and those palm trees come into view was the best feeling ever. Every single time. And I made that flight countless times over the years. As wonderful as all of that was, the best part about being in Florida was seeing my mom and dad. Even after mom died, I still loved going to Florida. After all, dad was still there.
When dad died I made a trip to Florida for the funeral. I remember that flight into PBI like it was yesterday. My amazing coastline and beautiful palm trees came into view and my immediate thought was “I hate this fucking place. I am never coming back here again.”
I know that my emotions were raw. It didn’t help that I had just flown 15 hours from South Korea and barely knew my own name by that point. But it didn’t matter. For me south Florida had lost its allure.
About a year later, my sister Michele, who still lives in Palm Beach County, was getting married. It was going to be my first trip back since dad had passed away. I was with Eric by then and I was looking forward to showing him the area I had grown to know, love, and adopt as my own. So the trip turned out to be a good one. Happy. Lots of fun memories. Subsequently I have made several more trips to visit my sister as well as my Aunt who also lives in the area.
With each trip back, however, I have become more and more unhappy. I don’t know what it is, but when I go back to visit, and drive around, I see memories of mom and dad. All other times that I have gone home those memories had made me smile, and over the last 3 or 4 visits instead of making me smile, it makes me sad. I don’t get it. I would have thought that the memories would continue to make me smile and become progressively easier. Instead, they have become progressively more sad.
Florida used to be my “happy place”. Now it feels like I have not only lost my folks, but that I have lost my “happy place” as well. My “you-CAN-go-home-again” place.
Don’t get me wrong, I am THRILLED with the life I have created for myself and the people who are in it. I am VERY happy. I just feel, sort of an additional loss if you will, when it comes to Florida. I am not quite sure what to do with it yet. I still love palm trees, though.
3 comments:
Palm trees - whether in Florida or California or wherever else - always brings a sense of "peace and tranquility."
Anywho, my dear Ilisa. You really never can go HOME again. Contrary to your belief (and as you're figuring out - just because you think you can, maybe doesn't mean you REALLY can) :o) You're at the point in your life, I believe, that you're making your own "home" with you and Eric and Macy. Florida is awesome, but never will be the same as you're figuring out.
As my Mom once put it, after she lost her Mom (her dad had passed away 4 years earlier), she felt like an orphan. And since we moved to PA all those 14 years ago, my mother has yet to feel like she "belongs" there again. She grew up there for 23 years before leaving for the military. She wanted to go "home" to be with her Mom after she retired, to spend her time with her, helping and taking care of and rekindling that relationship with her. And then, well a year later, my grandmother passed away. It was heartbreaking to watch my mom go through that. I would imagine it is something you can completely relate to. I can also imagine that seeing all those memorable places, instead of always being a happy reminder, is certainly a proverbial bat to your already raw emotional tee. Sometimes, you hit the damn ball outta the park and celebrate, and other times, you hit the tee and it hurts like a bitch and the thing wobbles uncontrollably for a while. Of course, then you wonder how the hell you'll do anything because you're so dizzy, but eventually the tee settles and you're ok again. (How'd ya like that metaphor??)
I hope though that you'll make your new home, wherever that may be, as special in your memory as you remember those with your family in Florida. Maybe the whole point is to establish your new place, state, country, planet, universe for you to continue to build your awesome life upon. Or, perhaps, your "home" is really Eric and Macy and in which case, whenever you're with them - you really can go home. :o) Cheers friend!
What a wonderful, thoughtful comment(ary?), friend. I feel very much at "home" with Eric and Macy moo. On several occasions I have said that I felt almost like I got screwed out of Eric meeting my dad. It was SOOO close. 4 months.
Eric changed my whole life and a part of me thinks perhaps that each time I go home, I want to introduce Eric to dad, who, prior to his death, was the most important person in my life. Now it's Eric. You know me pretty well friend. I don't like being denied something I want. I'll get over it.
LOVE your metaphor, by the way!
As was said, plenty o' trees here in Cali! Although, not as many up here in the Bay Area as you might think.
I totally get what you say about Florida. It wasn't my happy place like it was yours, but I often used to fantasize about living there permanently. I've had a few job offers, too. It has lost some of it's luster.
-Chuck
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