The No-Sex Spreadsheet

There was a story recently about a woman whose husband sent her a spreadsheet documenting how often he’s tried to initiate sex vs how often she said “no” and the reasons she gave.  The woman then used Reddit (a site I haven’t a clue about, by the way) to tell her tale of woe, prefacing her attempt to convey a can-you-believe-what-my-husband-did-to-me angle, by calling him “immature”.  I saw a news clip on CNN about this story and the direction they chose to report was a communication-in-marriage issue.  Ok, I get that.  But let me tell you my take on it…

I’m a spreadsheet kind of person.  I like me some facts.  I enjoy tracking things.  I really, really love finding patterns in events, issues, and time.  It’s just the way my brain works.  I’m guessing this woman’s husband’s does too.  I would be willing to bet dollars-to-donuts (because I am also a donut kind of person) that a conversation took place between the two of them that went something like this:  Husband:  Wanna have sex?  Wife:  Not tonight, I have a headache.  Husband:  You know, sweetheart, you seem to say “no” a lot.  We almost never have sex any more.  Wife:  I do NOT say “no” a lot.  I say “yes” way more than I say “no”.  We have PLENTY of sex.”

Now, a spreadsheet kind of person, who is all about the facts, starts going back in his mind thinking about all the times she said “no”.  He knows she’s mistaken.  It’s not even a matter of opinion.  His wife’s take on the matter is factually incorrect.  But he doesn’t have solid proof and numbers.  Out comes the spreadsheet.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  The problem people have with it is that the spreadsheet was about sex.  I don’t see it that way.  This is about her insisting she was right about something when in fact she was wrong.  He proved it to her.  Period. 

The spreadsheet could have been about ANYTHING.  For instance; when my husband drives us somewhere and he puts his truck in reverse, sometimes he’ll knock the windshield wiper do-hicky thing with his elbow or something and they turn on.  Not really his fault.  I’m guessing the design and placement of it isn’t all that great and people who own that particular make/model of truck do the same thing.  Yet the other day when I laughed after he did it again, he said “What”?  I said “You turn on the windshield wiper all the time when you put it in reverse and it’s funny”.   To which he replied “I don’t do it all the time.  That hardly ever happens.”  Trust me on this one folks…my mental spreadsheet came out and I thought about tracking it from that moment on so I can show him that he DOES do it all the time.  Maybe not EVERY time, but often enough that it makes me giggle because he does it a lot.  I ultimately decided against going that route.  This time.  There will be other more worthy battles, I’m sure.

My point here is that his wife was wrong.  Instead of looking at the spreadsheet and saying, look at that, you’re right and I’m wrong (you’re still not getting sex and the way you proved your point pissed me off so much that you may not get any for months), she instead threw it out there for the world to see.  She probably doesn’t even realize that she further proved HIS point and HER wrongness to the masses.

Childless-by-choice, Cameron? OWN IT.

As a fellow card-carrying member of the childless-by-choice club, I think it’s great that the actress Cameron Diaz publicly shared some of her reasons when asked about it recently.  As a person in the public eye, I’m sure she had her reasons for explaining her child-free life using the words she did.  But I would like to take on one of the statements she gave as her “reasons” and give my opinions on them…not that anyone asked. But hey, that’s the beauty of being me.  I don’t care that you didn’t ask.  I’m going to tell you anyway, and you can choose not to listen (or “read” as it were).

One thing Diaz said was, “Not having a baby might really make things easier, but that doesn’t make it an easy decision."  I understand the point she is attempting to convey, but that’s the wrong way to put it.  Breaking this statement down into two parts, if you HAVE children, then you shove them off to the grandparents for a weekend sanity-check, things WOULD get easier for the parents during that weekend.  However, NOT having children doesn’t ‘make things easier’.  Those of us who chose to live a child-free life simply chose not to add that complexity into the mix to begin with.  But to say that it ‘makes’ things easier is a misnomer.  Life isn’t “easy” when you don’t have children.  Trust me.  Our difficulties may not be the same, but I resent the insinuation that they are somehow “easier” because they don’t involve children. 

The other half of that statement was “… but that doesn’t make it an easy decision."  The problem I have with this part is that she is making herself out to be some sort of martyr.  If you don’t want to have children, then you shouldn’t have children.  A “decision” would be if she WANTED to have children but then CHOSE not to.  She was very clear in the interview when she stated “I was just never drawn to being a mother.”  She never wanted kids to begin with, which is perfectly acceptable.  But that would be like me saying it was a “tough decision” not to have kids.  Anyone who knows me know that there was no decision about it.  I didn’t want kids.  I never wanted kids.  I will never want kids. I was lucky enough to marry a man who didn’t want children.  It wasn’t a ‘decision’, it just simply…was.

I understand that my spewing here may come across as nitpicky, but I am very passionate about this subject.  I have long felt that there are so many women out there who never should have had children to begin with (my own biological one included, sadly) and if they were just honest with themselves from the get-go, there would be fewer resented, unwanted, and neglected children.  You fessed up, Cameron Diaz, which is certainly commendable, but you didn’t really own it.