What happens when I go home?

I have not written many posts regarding my deployment. That has actually been intentional. It isn't for a lack of great blog fodder, it is because I have a sensitive job and I would rather err on the side of caution than perhaps write about something that may compromise anyone. Don't get me wrong, I am not James Bond. But better to be safe than sorry.

That said, I have been doing a job that is pretty fricken useful for a lot of people. I have a purpose over here. Opinions on "big picture" aside, the folks that are here need what I am providing to them.

But what happens when I get home? I already knew going in that 90% of what I do at home is bullshit. I am working hard to try and reason it out in my head that I am putting effort into an AFSO21 meeting or some other such malarkey that can only be created by those who have no real mission and must justify their own existence with such drivel, because if I don't I will be unemployed.

I have been trying to build a mental bridge connecting something, ANYTHING, that I do day to day at home, that added any value to the service that I am providing here. I have found none. Nada. Zip. Believe me, I have REALLY looked. Even if just in some small way I could see that what I do back in the clinic directly impacts the mission I currently support. I used to be pretty good at finding that link. Explaining it to the young Airman who worked for me and paint a picture for them about how what they are doing that day adds value to the big picture mission.

But I believe at the job back at home we have lost our way. Lost sight of where our focus needs to be. Lost sight of the question "What value does what I am doing at this very moment add to the mission downrange?"

I am sure this isn't true for everyone. I can't just blanket-label all aspects of the military. I can only speak to what I know and the job I do when I am not deployed. I have long felt this way about the job I do at home, but even I didn't realize how right I was until I got downrange. I guess a part of me hoped I was wrong, but I wasn't.

I have to work. I have to stick this thing out for another 8 and a half years until I retire. I can't just quit. Especially not in this economy. I am grateful to have employment at all. Perhaps that is where I will have to dedicate my focus. The one that will get me through to the finish line while keeping my sanity in tact.

See that? Sometimes just banging it out on a keyboard helps me see the light...

"Coupons on a first date?"

Y'all know me. I just love headlines. Then I like to just run with them, often times without even reading the accompanying article. Today's headline was no different. The headline said "Coupons on a first date"? At first, I thought "HOW TACKY! He better not break out coupons on our first date!" But then I thought (as I am getting better at doing as I get older,) well, so what if he used a coupon? If you are on a date with a guy who uses coupons, why would you want him to be something he isn't because he is on a date with you? Doesn't that just amount to his being fake?

I have always had a real problem with people putting on fronts. Pretending to be someone they aren't for the sake of appearances. I realize this is one of the biggest reasons I will not get ahead in this world, corporate or otherwise, but I stand true to who I am. I am the person who will call the baby ugly. Take it or leave it.

When it comes to dating, lord knows I am no expert. Eric is the first guy I had "dated" in over 10 years. However I am a pretty good listener and REALLY good at human nature. One thing I would hear time and time again from both men and women is that a person 'changed' once you began a relationship. "He used to make dinner for me, but he doesn't do it any more." "She would want to watch football with me on Sundays. Now suddenly she not only doesn't want to watch it, but she doesn't want ME to watch football either! WTF?"

I got news for you folks, the "change" was dating YOU. They were simply unable to keep up the act and slowly became themselves again. He wasn't the kind of guy who made dinners, and she never liked football to begin with. They were only doing these things to lead you to into believing they were something they weren't from the very beginning.

I was guilty of such things when I was much younger. 20 years ago I led a guy I was dating to believe I liked football. A disservice to myself that I have never repeated. I think, now that I am marrying a man with whom I was friends with before we ever started dating, I can totally relate to the concept of 'friends' making the best couples. There were never any periods of being on our best behavior for the sake of appearances for the other. I didn't wear makeup when we were just friends, and I didn't start wearing any when we became a couple. It took 3 trips to 3 different stores and a weeks worth of research before Eric decided on the right TV for his house. A little much, maybe, but that's ok. It's his TV. He can take whatever time he wants to research it.

I also wouldn't have cared if Eric broke out the coupon book when we went out to dinner after we started dating. If he was the coupon-type, I would have known that already. And that would have been fine by me.

Actual conversation...

So this is an actual portion of an IM conversation between myself and my sweeter than honey, albeit ultra-geek fiance:

Eric: xoxo
Oh yeah, one more thing

me: yes baby?

Eric: meant to share this comic with you. This guy has some great geeky comics, so feel free to browse his site, but this christmas one was pretty good...though a warning, it's probably one only a computer geek can appreciate

me: Oh, this oughta be good...clicking now.




me: hmmm...

Is it a flow chart?

I don't get it.

I think you were right...only a computer geek could UNDERSTAND it. No matter what it was suppoesd to be, I can totally relate to his parents!

Eric: In comp sci, trees and heaps are technical terms for data structures, and would be drawn like they are in the comic lol!

me: Oh my.